Freshman’s Sex Life Not Living Up to Expectations

Freshman entertains himself with a condom he knows he won’t use that night anyway.

Six weeks into his college career, Freshman Matt Blake’s sex life has failed to live up to his expectations. Despite the popular media’s depiction of college as a time for wild parties and unrestrained sexual deviance, Blake says that his experience has been overwhelmingly disappointing. “Where are the tits?” a ...

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Professional Wrestling Marred by Replacement Referees

Replacement referee (pictured lower left) loses track of the chainsaw vs. chair death-match after exiting the ring to hit on the one woman in the crowd.

The ongoing strike by International Wrestling Federation referees has forced the league to hire replacement officials, but some believe that the new officials are unprepared for the frantic pace of the sport. Many wrestlers have already come forward to complain about the referees. “These scabs are terrible!” said former World ...

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Art Student Tries to Not Take His Work Too Seriously

“I wear these glasses to look chill. Oh and also to avoid being blinded by the brilliance of my art.” says art student Silas Maddox

To prepare for his second semester as a painting major, junior Silas Maddox felt he needed to “take the pressure off” and simply enjoy what he loves to do. The painting studios at Wash U often produce high-strung students who get so caught up attempting to master the conceptual form ...

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Career Center Finally Helps First Student Find Job

Answering the phone is one of Richardson’s many important responsibilities at his prestigious new job

In an unprecedented turn of events, the Washington University Career Center announced that it has finally helped a graduating senior land a job. The announcement came in the form of a 3:00 am Record email, in which Career Center Director Mark Smith was quoted saying, “We’re pleased to announce that ...

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Student Comes Out GOP

Jake Jacobs is one of many students to come out showing his GOP pride

In light of high unemployment, a tax system in disarray, and widespread financial instability, senior Jake Jacobs has come out of the closet to profess his allegiance to the GOP. “I’ve always felt a little different from my peers,” Jacobs admitted. “I remember when I was ten years old watching ...

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