Conversation with Grandma Just Won’t End

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Describing the event as “one of the more harrowing experiences of [her] young life,” sophomore, Eliza Furman, recounted how a routine weekly call to her grandmother took a turn for the worse when her aging Bubbe refused to allow the conversation to end.   The call began as normal, with ...

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Student Life Investigates Leaves Falling from Trees: Fraternities at Fault

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A recent investigation investigation conducted by Student Life, WashU’s premier [only] nonsatirical independent student newspaper, studied why leaves have been changing colors and suspiciously disappearing from trees, concluding campus fraternities were behind the stunt. The two-week-long investigation included thorough questioning of eye-witnesses, a comprehensive student survey, and other strategies often ...

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SubMarines: New Delmar Cafe Hires Only Vets With Extreme PTSD

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In an effort to ease veterans back into the workforce, a new local eatery called “SubMarines” is exclusively hiring former soldiers who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). To smooth their transition, owner Tex “Sarge” Denver tries to find common ground between their experiences in the field of war and ...

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Last Freshman Finally Disenchanted with WashU

Sniffling hopelessly over the stream of tears that drenched the remains of her taco salad, freshman Emily Weitzman finally became the last member of the Class of 2019 to abandon her hopeful image of Washington University. The soggy, lukewarm appropriation of Mexican food was the last straw, according to reports, ...

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Wrighton Addresses Concerns with Salary Reform for Adjunct Professors

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Facing criticism over reports that he’s been training his golden retriever to attack students who receive need-based financial aid, Chancellor Wrighton held a press conference this week to clarify his position on the University’s economic issues. A source within the Wrighton Administration revealed that the move was made in response ...

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“Safest WILD Ever” sees 30% drop in students attacked by crocodiles

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Last weekend’s Fall WILD saw remarkable improvements in safety, with record few students suffering crocodile attack related injuries. The numbers are 30% lower than the previous record, leading SPB president Leo Park to declare this the “safest WILD ever.”   “We’re really proud of what we accomplished this year safety-wise,” ...

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