New Philanthropy Event “Relay for Your Life” Raises Concerns

Relay for Your Life, a new philanthropy event planned for the upcoming school year, has been riddled with concerns since its inception. Through Relay for Your Life bears many similarities to the already-existing Relay for Life, the new event differs in that those participants who walk the shortest distance must literally forfeit their lives in a fiery sacrifice. Those fortunate enough to prevail, similarly, will receive gift cards to Chipotle. While university officials have signed off on the major details of the event, questions have been raised regarding its currently proposed location on the Swamp.

Organizers claim that for the event to be successful, they need enough space to create a blazing inferno that will consume all of the day’s losers in its insatiable tower of flames. The Swamp, they say, may not be suitable as its basketball courts and swingset are not adequately flammable. Mudd Field, a possible alternative location, is already booked that day for an alumni event. According to a RFYL executive, the university is unwilling to share the space as they would prefer that potential donors not risk being accidentally killed in the inferno before they open their wallets.

Nevertheless, Chancellor Mark Wrighton has spoken out in praise of the event.

“‘Relay for Your Life’ is revolutionizing the way we do philanthropy at Wash U,” said Wrighton, “and it will bring the community together in a way that has never been done before, in an oozing mass of charred body parts.”

The chancellor expressed hope that this new model would actually get students off their asses in support of a cause for once in their short, miserable lives.

Despite the problems surrounding the event’s rollout, the Relay for Your Life team has stayed steadfast in their mission to bring what they see as a valuable event to campus. “Even if I have to douse that basketball court in gasoline myself,” said President Tom Thomas, “I will make sure that this is the best damn charity inferno this campus has ever known.