By Snobby Professor Guy
Pfaw. Bees. Bees? Bees? An abomination upon this planet. I cannot wait until they are all dead.
Allow me to elaborate. I am smart. Classy. Intelligent. So when I say that bees are to be abhorred and exterminated, you should make privy your ears and listen closely.
For one, bees are unbecoming. Their misshapen form brings to mind lumps of Play-Doh deformed at the will of a child’s grimy hands. And then yellow and black. Yellow and black. How tacky! I don’t care that bees aren’t sentient—they should have the autonomy to realize how debasing yellow and black are.
And have I mentioned their lack of boundaries? Bees intrude your space as if they’re all the queen herself. Just the other day I was enjoying a nice perusal of one of the university’s gardens before a lecture I was to give. There I was, waltzing from lilac to lily, quietly contemplating Dickens and his sagacious way with words when, to my horrendous shock, one of those ignorant flying pests came at my face.
BZZZZZZZZZ, it said, and I tell you now, I ran as if the hounds of Hades were at my heels. Worst of all, during this flight for life, I somehow dropped my lecture notes. When I arrived at the lecture hall, panting like a plebeian, I realized my misfortune—I had no lecture to give! For the next hour and twenty minutes, I stood before 130 students, rambling what little knowledge I could, all because of that wretched bee. Thank the universe and her esoteric ways that these students were First-Years, lest I lose my reputation.
Now, ducks. Ducks are an elegant creature. The gentle curve of their beaks; the genius simplicity of their quacks. Oh my, their quacks. It’s as if the cornet of Gabriel himself were bursting in glee. Quack. Quack. Quack. Oh, how long could I ruminate over these gracious notes, so blessed am I to behold their artistry.
I know now that we two agree, for who could not change their mind after all I’ve said. Will I ever tire of educating the masses? Who can say. Now, go forth and make peace with the world, unless they be bees I say!