Cum Trees Preventing Campus from Being Safe Space

The cum trees — or “jizz trees” as they are colloquially known — of Washington University have recently come under fire for infringing on the campus’s status as a safe space. Students have argued that the trees are olfactorily offensive and help promote white masculine ideals.

“I don’t like being the person to complain,” began senior Constance Smith, the organizer of the infamous social justice group, Feminists Against the Students Against Peabody, “but the trees are white and smell like semen. They are clearly a trigger to many students; their smell and color reminds much of the student body of the presence of men on campus, a presence that most students would prefer to deny completely.”

“The trees are an obvious commentary on the dangers of female sexuality, and must be burned to the ground immediately,” claimed sophomore Gina Hong. “Every time I walk past the trees on the way to campus, I feel several penises firmly pressing against my face from all directions. Although I may want to feel that on a casual Wednesday night, I don’t want that when I’m on my way to AIDS class Thursday morning.”

But the reaction to the jizz trees is not universally negative. SHS director Dr. Alan Glass, best known for spearheading a movement to have a baby bear euthanized, called the trees “great for business” because they bring in a lot of students who think the trees can give them STIs. Glass claims, “these students don’t understand that STIs are seldom transmitted orally. That’s perfect for our business model because a single misplaced concern about a disease is a great reason for us draw a student’s blood. Every pint we collect can be sold for up to a $200 profit.”

At press time, the Diversity Affairs Council is still debating on how to proceed with bias reports filed against mother nature herself, and Smith has begun protesting Glass for refusing to sell HIV-infected blood, an act that Smith’s supporters claim marginalizes those with the disease.