CLAYTON, MO – The divisions between WashU’s straight men have never been so deep. Timberland Boots, which had this campus in a chokehold circa 2019, have been steadily losing ground to LL Bean’s “duck boots,” a relative newcomer in the world of low-effort WashU men’s fall fashion. Our in-depth campus research suggests that the recent surge in duck boot popularity is due primarily to the rise of counterfeit Timbs among WashU’s underclassmen.
“Why would I pay over 200 dollars for boots for people just to assume I’m some kind of poser,” says SigChi brother Larry Bean, “Duck boots are just expensive enough for people to know that I definitely vote republican for tax reasons, and no one is going to think that I actually use these boots for work.”
Despite opinions like these, there are extremist rebel enclaves that are still loyal to the old Timberland regime. These rebel forces have largely been relegated to the wilderness of off-campus WashU housing. These students are generally fifth years or older and still call Wrighton hall “LabSci” signaling how they yearn for “the way things were.”
“I just think it’s funny how since WashU went need-blind, we started seeing more duck boots on campus,” replied Greenway resident Simon Bauer (yes, relation to both), “I know those duckies are only 1% adjacent. They probably couldn’t even afford to go to a feeder high school and then not get into an Ivy.” Some of Bauer’s comments were too disturbing to include here, but they elucidate whispers of a civil war between these two factions.
While the steel toes of authentic Timberlands strike fear into the shins of duck boot supporters, they have been unable to wrest key strategic locations like the South40 or The DUC(K) from the leather soles of the duck booters. However, as we enter the colder months, we have seen increasingly brazen military exercises along the Ackert walkway that involve stomping, kicking, and shotgunning natty lights as a sort of war cry. So far, no progress has been made in terms of peace talks, and both sides are preparing for their boots to be scuffed in the coming weeks.