Chancellor Martin Announces Gateway Arch 2 As Next Campus Project

Just in time for his first Christmas as Chancellor, Andrew Martin announced last week his new gift to the WashU community: a daring vision for a 1:3 model of the St. Louis Arch, which will begin construction on campus this spring. When asked about the motivation behind the decision, Chancellor Martin explained, “When I first visited this campus with my family, my daughter asked me, “Oh Father Chancellor, where art thou Arch? Mine own eyes cannot perceive it.” That question really got me thinking, and from it has grown the future I see for this university.

“WashU’s mission is to support the learning and growth of its students,” continued Martin, “and I somehow convinced the board of trustees that this will help achieve that goal. Now students will have the opportunity to see their very own arch every day while hazardously riding around on those vile Birds or walking back from BD after obliterating their second half-and-half of the day. I’m excited to see how it stimulates our students, invigorates our alumni, and entices potential students with feelings of manifest destiny. But most of all, I’m super-duper excited to see my new arch from my office chair. It’s gonna be, like, really cool. I know my Mimi would be so proud.”

Fortunately for Martin, the WashU Parent Facebook page has expressed nothing but support. Robert Collins, father of current sophomore Kirsten Collins, wrote, “It’s absolutely spectacular. Every time we visit campus, we spend half the day wandering around trying to get a glimpse of the arch, all to no avail. This is a fine institution, but I’ve always felt like it’s been missing something. This is just it.”

Angie Daniels, mother of senior Ryan “Jack” Daniels, posted, “The new East End buildings are nice and the underground parking lot is cool I guess, if you’re into that kind of thing, but it’s just a fucking parking lot. I’m glad they’re finally getting around to investing in a project that will distinguish this campus.”

The proposed location of the new Arch is still unknown, but rumored options include Fontbonne, Chancellor Martin’s backyard, the entirety of University City, or over the Overpass, creating an overpass/underpass inception situation that will confuse the fuck out of everyone.  Unfortunately, the project will not be completed until next fall. In the meantime, students can sleep peacefully to the sounds of cranes late into the night and large spikes in tuition to help fund and expedite the construction of Chancellor’s Martin everlasting middle finger to Wrighton.