Issue 9.1

28

Sep

Scientists Discover Life on Fontbonne Campus

A team of researchers from Washington University in St. Louis's Earth and Planetary Sciences Department rocked the scientific community Monday when they announced the discovery of carbon-based life forms on the Fontbonne University campus. The discovery came late Thursday evening when Sapphire, the 2.4 billion dollar robot sent to explore the desolate Fontbonne…

Read More

14

Aug

Area Bigot Struggles to Decide Between Mormon and Black Man in 2012 Election

Faced by what he is calling “the most unfortunate display of options since the NBA Finals,” area bigot Jefferson Hezekiah admits that he is struggling to choose between presidential hopefuls Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. “The decision was so much easier during the last election,” Hezekiah explained. “Sure, it was pretty difficult to…

Read More

14

Aug

Facebook Unveils “You’re Being Creepy as Fuck” Notification System

In response to a series of complaints from parents, college students, and reformed pedophiles, Facebook announced last Thursday that it would be rolling out a new “You’re Being Creepy as Fuck” notification system. The new feature will display a warning message to alert users when the photos they are stalking depict people under…

Read More

14

Aug

Top 10 Mistakes Freshmen Make

10. Farting in the library 9. Being caught masturbating by your roommate 8. Asking how strong the punch is at a party 7. Believing the guy who tells you it isn’t that strong 6. Asking why the frat house soda is sticky 5. Taking ALL the free condoms from your hallway cause you’re “totally gunna need them some…

Read More

14

Aug

WDYT?: WashU Football

Read More