Volume 18

01

Apr

Op-Ed: We Should Let Biden Take Bribes

Joseph R. Biden is the most bribeable man alive, and the fact that we don’t let him fulfill that destiny is a travesty. Think about it: the man has the light senility and good heart (figuratively) of a horse out to pasture, and the fact that we don’t allow him to be gifted…

Read More

01

Apr

Op-Ed: Wikipedia, Stop Nagging Me

Look. I’m not trying to make a big deal out of this. All I’m saying is, I get home from a hard day at work, and all I want to do is sit down, have a beer, and relax with some internet encyclopedia pages about battleships. But here she comes—“she,” in this case,…

Read More

01

Apr

Opening of Starbucks in McKelvey Hall to Provide Valuable Internship Opportunities for Political Science Majors

The Career Center recently announced that the opening of Starbucks in McKelvey Hall will also double as an internship program specifically targeted at the University’s political science majors.  “Starbucks will be great for these students,” said Mark Goldstein, a spokesperson for the Career Center. “It’s a pretentious enough environment so we know they…

Read More

01

Apr

Breaking News: _____ dies!

_____ ______ (obscure C-list actor) has died at _____ (unusually young age) years old due to ____________ (foodborne illness you once caught at Chipotle). He is known for his roles in _____________ (cable show that only had one season) and ______________ (overly-priced off-Broadway show), but also for his involvement with the __________ (Los…

Read More

01

Apr

Tinder Adds “Actively Infected” Feature

Last Spring, Tinder, the most popular dating cough self-indulgent, masturbatory swiping cough platform among young adults, introduced a feature allowing users to indicate whether they had been vaccinated against COVID-19. Now, the company has pivoted and released an update allowing users to indicate whether they have an active COVID-19 infection.    “It’s been…

Read More