Issue 12.5

Professor Considers Dropping Class
28
Jan

Professor Considers Dropping Class

Discussing her spring schedule over lunch in the faculty lounge, Professor Leslie Jenkins told her friends that she was considering dropping the course she’s teaching, “Environmental Culture and Social Principles in the 21st Century.” “I dunno, I just have a really busy schedule this semester is all,” said Jenkins, who is currently scheduled…
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No-Fun TSA Officer Won’t Drink Smirnoff Ice Hidden in Passenger’s Anus
28
Jan

No-Fun TSA Officer Won’t Drink Smirnoff Ice Hidden in Passenger’s Anus

Besmirching the sacred covenant of the bro code, wussy-ass TSA Officer Richard Thurmond refused to drop to one knee and chug when presented with a Smirnoff Ice at Lambert Airport on Monday morning. The Ice, which Officer Thurmond discovered during a routine body cavity search, was hidden deep within the rectum of American…
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Most Popular Baby Name of 2015 Officially “Who Did This 😂🙌💯”
28
Jan

Most Popular Baby Name of 2015 Officially “Who Did This 😂🙌💯”

The U.S. Department of Etymology released its list of most popular baby names of 2015, with several surprise entries making the rankings. According to the report, the most popular baby name of last year was “Who Did This 😂🙌💯,” which narrowly beat out “DickButt_420” and “Emily” for the top spot. This result was…
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SHS Doctor’s Medical Degree found to be false positive
28
Jan

SHS Doctor’s Medical Degree found to be false positive

According to sources within the Habif Health & Wellness Center, an SHS doctor’s medical degree was recently found to have been a false-positive. Apparently, Dr. Sonia Wellston’s doctorate was not in medicine, and her being hired was due to an administrator misreading of her resume due to extreme fatigue, nausea, and vomiting that…
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