Sniffling hopelessly over the stream of tears that drenched the remains of her taco salad, freshman Emily Weitzman finally became the last member of the Class of 2019 to abandon her hopeful image of Washington University. The soggy, lukewarm appropriation of Mexican food was the last straw, according to reports, ...
Read More »Wrighton Addresses Concerns with Salary Reform for Adjunct Professors
Facing criticism over reports that he’s been training his golden retriever to attack students who receive need-based financial aid, Chancellor Wrighton held a press conference this week to clarify his position on the University’s economic issues. A source within the Wrighton Administration revealed that the move was made in response ...
Read More »“Safest WILD Ever” sees 30% drop in students attacked by crocodiles
Last weekend’s Fall WILD saw remarkable improvements in safety, with record few students suffering crocodile attack related injuries. The numbers are 30% lower than the previous record, leading SPB president Leo Park to declare this the “safest WILD ever.” “We’re really proud of what we accomplished this year safety-wise,” ...
Read More »Writing 1 Professor Hopes Students Don’t Realize She’s Tripping On PCP In Class Today
Speaking to reporters on Friday morning, Writing 1 Professor Marilyn Barnhardt expressed hope that her students would not realize she is currently tripping on Phencyclidine, commonly known as PCP. A long-time fan of Kygo, who is headlining this year’s WILD, Barnhardt wanted to ensure she was in the right mindset ...
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