Uncategorized

Members of Mystery Inc. Charged with Trespassing, Aggravated Assault
03
Nov

Members of Mystery Inc. Charged with Trespassing, Aggravated Assault

Investigations into Mystery Inc. concluded on Monday morning, with prosecutors leveling charges against several of the firm’s employees for trespassing and felony assault. The vigilante organization, founded by Fred Jones Jr., first generated public scrutiny after hospitalizing area theater director Michael Davensport with a series of improvised “Scooby trap” devices. Davensport, known to…
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03
Nov

Internet Usage on South 40 Breaks Record During Fall Break

In a surprising statement, the Washington University Director of Technology announced that Fall Break defied all typical trends with a massive spike in Internet usage. The statement theorized that since the four-day weekend allowed many students to leave St. Louis, many roommates were freed of the restrictions of a shared living environment. "Contrary…
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Boy Scouts Expanding Into New, Weirdly Niche Groups
03
Nov

Boy Scouts Expanding Into New, Weirdly Niche Groups

The Boy Scouts of America recently announced their decision to accept girls, raising concerns over the future of partner organization Girl Scouts of America. "In response to changing definitions of gender identities, we think it would be best to focus on the interests of our creative, socially lethargic young scouts," announced President Scott…
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White House Expels Steve Bannon by Chanting Name Three Times
20
Aug

White House Expels Steve Bannon by Chanting Name Three Times

According to sources, the spirit of chief strategist Steven Bannon was forcibly expelled from the White House on Friday after staffers recited an incantation purging the West Wing of Mr. Bannon’s ghost. “There was just this horrible screeching,” remarked one advisor witness to Mr. Bannon’s expulsion. Bannon, a seventh century netherdaemon who served…
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