Investigations into Mystery Inc. concluded on Monday morning, with prosecutors leveling charges against several of the firm’s employees for trespassing and felony assault. The vigilante organization, founded by Fred Jones Jr., first generated public scrutiny after hospitalizing area theater director Michael Davensport with a series of improvised “Scooby trap” devices. ...
Read More »Internet Usage on South 40 Breaks Record During Fall Break
In a surprising statement, the Washington University Director of Technology announced that Fall Break defied all typical trends with a massive spike in Internet usage. The statement theorized that since the four-day weekend allowed many students to leave St. Louis, many roommates were freed of the restrictions of a shared ...
Read More »Boy Scouts Expanding Into New, Weirdly Niche Groups
The Boy Scouts of America recently announced their decision to accept girls, raising concerns over the future of partner organization Girl Scouts of America. “In response to changing definitions of gender identities, we think it would be best to focus on the interests of our creative, socially lethargic young scouts,” ...
Read More »White House Expels Steve Bannon by Chanting Name Three Times
According to sources, the spirit of chief strategist Steven Bannon was forcibly expelled from the White House on Friday after staffers recited an incantation purging the West Wing of Mr. Bannon’s ghost. “There was just this horrible screeching,” remarked one advisor witness to Mr. Bannon’s expulsion. Bannon, a seventh century ...
Read More »Anti-Bullying Groups Fear Unprecedented Spike in Wedgies, “Sick Burns” as Thousands Don Glasses to View Eclipse
As thousands of Americans scramble to get their hands on a pair of the coveted eclipse glasses recommended by scientists for safe viewing of the rare solar event, anti-bullying groups across the country are wringing their hands over the likely spike in wedgies, swirlies, and verbal zingers as the nation’s ...
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