Representatives of the Olin Business School announced this week that they will start using a new strategy for attracting prospective students: emphasizing their robust alumni network in Hell.
“The Olin Business School provides students with unparalleled access to leaders and innovators in a diverse range of morally repugnant industries,” said Sarah Uecker. “Our massive alumni network in the netherworld will give students a head-start on competitive internships and post-graduation opportunities in the land of the damned.
“We strive to provide our students with the opportunity to develop valuable traits for the business world, including blind ambition, unchecked greed, and a total disregard for the less fortunate,” added Uecker. “These are internships where you don’t just fetch coffee for your boss; you also get to dump it on their exposed crotch.”
Notable condemned alumni include the former CFO of Lehman Brothers, the President of Purdue Pharma, multiple high-ranking officials at Exxon-Mobil, and the co-founder of Charmin’ Toilet Paper. These WashU alumni (Go Bears!) are reportedly being tortured in the deepest circles of hell by Satan’s brightest and most creative demons.
“It’s really an exciting workspace to be a part of,” commented Matthew Vernon, a junior management consultant for McKinsey’s Hell office, “the level of innovation here is astounding. Oil executives are being burned alive, corporate lawyers are being tormented with billions of paper cuts, and people who used buzzwords are being dismembered with buzz-saws.”
Sam Gerringer, a prospective business student, says that he finds Olin’s alumni network attractive. Touting Ray-Bans, salmon shorts, and a Canada Goose jacket, Gerringer confided his ambition to reach the seventh level of Hell, solely reserved for people who list “entrepreneur” on their LinkedIn profile. With access to Olin’s alumni network, he might just get there.