CLAYTON, MO – Scrolling through his texts from the previous night with a mounting sense of dread, Assistant Director of Greek Life Austin Sweeney was forced to confront the fact that he had made a terrible mistake; last night’s bender had resulted in ugly and potentially long-lasting consequences.
“This new alcohol policy is fucking awful,” Sweeney confessed to WUnderground reporters. “I can’t believe I wrote this nonsense,” he added, shaking his head as he gathered the empty wine bottles and beer cans recklessly strewn about his living room.
Sources confirmed that Sweeney was “totally hammered” when he came up with the policy, which mandates that security guards and third-party bartenders are present at registered non-dry campus events. “At least, that’s what I think he meant to say,” one source clarified. “His actual text said ‘Secrutirty fhmmmmmguarda barrtendr’, which required some interpretation on my end.”
While the policy has received criticism – both from students and Sweeney himself – others have come out in support. “I think it’s a great idea,” wrote Ursa’s employee Erin Glasier. “We don’t want students under the influence for quilts and crafts.”
Upon follow-up, Sweeney was last seen searching for Pedialyte and Advil minutes before a press conference regarding the new policy.