Man on PCP Accidentally Eats Wife and Kids; Feels "Pretty Silly" About It

Volume 8, Issue 6

Colin Bowerson: the goofball that ate his family

In what officials are calling a "bonehead move", area man Colin Browerson accidentally ate his wife and kids last week while high on PCP. The accidental gaffe, which Browerson says "in retrospect I probably shouldn't have done," was discovered by the sober Browerson twelve hours later, at which time he realized how much of a doofus he had been during his bender the day before. Police are letting him off with a warning.

"So I woke up the next morning and went out for some lunch, and I kind of wondered where Wanda and the kids were," explained Browerson to police while shaking his head and chuckling. "Then I go in the living room and find three gnawed corpses on the ground. Guess I figured out where they were!" he finished to general laughter.

Experts say that such lapses in judgement are common while high on drugs, and that had it not been for the PCP ingestion, Browerson probably wouldn't have eaten his wife and kids. They therefore recommend eating a full meal before taking the drug, or else risk facing the tragic, albeit kinda hilarious consequences.

"Bottom line is, do your best not to commit triple murder while high on PCP, but we understand nobody's perfect," says Food and Drug Administration illicit drug expert Donald Rolf. "At the end of the day, it's not like you're gonna quit doing PCP just because of some small chance at killing your family so just try to be a bit careful about it."

While some disciplinarian types are calling for Browerson to be punished for his actions with community service hours, police do not plan on taking such action.

"We all do dumb shit when we're fucked up," says Harry Fairchild, an officer in the St. Louis police department. "Last week I spilled a beer all over my girlfriend's new blouse. Stuff like that just happens."

The contrite Browerson told reporters he does not plan on doing any more PCP until after the funerals out of respect for his family, and also because that is when his dealer will likely have more in stock. He says that while he'd be "all for" his family still being alive, their deaths are "not worth getting all bent out of shape over."

"I never said in my wedding vows that I wasn't going to eat her," he points out. "It's one of those things that's kind of unfortunate now, but we'll all be laughing about in a year."

Browerson plans on freezing the uneaten remains to avoid spoilage.