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Senior “Not Like Those Other Guys”

Sources close to the subject report that Wash U senior Jasper Simmons is nothing like all those other assholes. “Jasper doesn’t care about typical guy stuff like fantasy football and grilling things,” points out sophomore Lena Smith. “He would much rather teach you about Sufjan Stevens and the merits of local craft breweries and talk about how that one Gloria Steinem book broadened his perspective on toxic masculinity.”

A recent sighting of Simmons playing Jeff Buckley’s Lilac Wine on the acoustic guitar confirms theories that he is both culturally and emotionally literate; moreover, those in Simmons’ circles agree that he is far more in touch with his feelings than most guys. “It’s refreshing how he makes sure you know exactly how he feels,” says Smith. “He’s super sensitive to others’ oppression, so he’s an ally, he doesn’t see color, and he doesn’t believe in the wage gap. His great aunt is half-Jewish, so he understands a lot about Jewish culture. Plus, he believes in putting an end to animal cruelty, so even though he eats meat he tries not to wear that much leather.”

In the dating arena, Simmons is similarly compassionate. “He’s always really conscious of making sure your needs are being taken into consideration,” reports longtime friend Emma Kotfica. “At a restaurant he’ll sample twelve different wines so that he can choose one he’s sure you’ll love.” Junior Ashley Weintraub adds, “His favorite movie is a little nuanced, so whenever he shows it to a girl he’ll pause every few minutes to explain the hidden symbolism. He’s so considerate.”

Another poignant testimony praised the fact that “You can tell he respects women by the way he’s always talking about how much he loves his mom, even when it seems to have nothing to do with the conversation.”

Although typically very vocal about his innate understanding of female needs, Simmons declined to provide a statement at press time, as he was preoccupied lending his Alpha Delt crewneck to that girl in his philosophy seminar.